Lexi's Life

Blogger Protection Program

2005-07-31T11:32:00.000-07:00

People use blogs for a variety of reasons. Some use them as political soapboxes, others as therapy or to keep in touch with loved ones. I have been using this blog as an outlet and journal. I've often heard of the benefits to journalling. However, I'm not one to sit down each night and document my days or feelings. I simply don't have the time. It's a slow process to hand-write everything I'm feeling and takes up quite a bit of space. I just assumed that I'd never be the journaling type. Blogging was introduced to me by a variety of people who maintained their own blogs. I jumped on the bandwagon about a year ago. The details of this blog have changed over the last year or so. It has gone from some of my musings, to trying to include the real world, to also hosting some of Cookie's thoughts, and had since evolved into some type of journal for myself. At the beginning I was interested in my audience and while I still am interested in the people that read my blog, I have come to terms with the fact that there are very few people who read this blog regularly. I have been operating under the assumption that hardly anyone reads my blog. There are a few friends of mine who have been given this blog address but generally I'm a blog floating out in cyberspace. I have also taken strides to ensure that my posts are fairly anonymous. Lexi and Cookie are both nicknames and while you can learn various things about us through the links and so forth, I am hoping that there are still things about me that you do not know. If you decided to search my University's campus for a Lexi who blogs, I have a feeling you would not be so fortunate as to actually find me. My posts are fairly vague and address people only in relationship to me and hardly ever with actual names.

However, it has come to my attention that my anonimity has been compromised. I have been approached by someone and my blog has been outted. I have been criticized for the content of some of my posts. I have respected that persons wishes and have told them that those posts will not continue. However, upon further thought, I have realized that while these posts may not be seen as appropriate by that person, they have never given away confidential information of the parties involved. Using this blog as an outlet has been helpful to me. I'm sure Cookie is happy that I'm taking less time to rant and gripe in his ear and instead am venting into cyberspace where it bothers fewer people. Sure, in some ways I am airing my dirty laundry for the world, but really.... who is reading this anyways? My issues are no different than another typical student's. The normalities of my life and posts have helped (I had hoped) to maintain the anonimity of this blog.

Unfortunately, the result of these events is saddening. I am both creating and participating in a Blogger Protection Program (BPP). Operating much like the Witness Protection Program, my blog and I are going to have to go into hiding.

Thank You.

It's Begun

2005-07-31T07:08:00.000-07:00

Every College student knows this feeling. It's the feeling that tells you it's time to go back to school. You've spent a whole vacation with your family and things were going fairly well. Then one day, things go south. That day usually falls about two weeks before school starts. Parent's start nitpicking, bothering, etc. Rather than enjoying the last two weeks of summer, college students must endure them. It's the battle all college students face quite frequently. Parents have a hard time letting go of the fact that college students enjoy unlimited freedoms at school and try desperately to impose their rules back on their young adults. Oddly enough, parents are usually so glad to have their children back at home that they overlook all the quirks that their students have developed while away at school.... at least in the beginning. Then the last two weeks of vacation roll around and the parents have completed their period of observation over their children and are prepared to remedy their children. That's when the nagging and crankiness starts. Parents try to shape their college students back into the innocent children they were in Kindergarden. Unfortunately, it never works. There's a struggle for two weeks and then college students return to school happy that they won't see their families for another long vacation until Christmas.

Why do I mention all of this? Because my two weeks started last night.

Lucky Me

2005-07-28T18:59:00.000-07:00

I had read this really great Bleat from Lileks a few weeks ago right after my cat died. I had thought that I wanted to respond to it but never got around to it. I hadn't even saved the link so I thought it was gone forever. I just randomly clicked on a day in his archives and it was the exact post I was looking for. Hurray! Here it is. It's not about cats but the sentiment is the same.

I feel bad...

2005-07-28T18:33:00.000-07:00

....when smart people think stupid things. Take my stepmother for example, fairly smart lady. She's had her moments while raising my little sister. But she's a lawyer and when it comes to stuff like that, she's pretty on the ball. Except in the last few days. Her sister just was diagnosed with Stage 4 brain cancer. Which is pretty bad. Of course, none of us bothered to look up the definition of "stage 4" but what my dad knew from my mom's cancer was that Stage 4 was as bad as it got. So Stage 4 is not a good thing. My dad and I were also wondering if the cancer in her brain was actually brain cancer or some other cancer that has appeared in her brain. Maybe that was incorporated into the Stage 4 rating. While my stepmom is running around, my dad and I are talking about the possibility of this misplaced cancer showing up in her brain. (Just so we all know, if a liver cancer or prostate cancer ended up in your brain, it's not easier to cure. In fact, it's worse because most therapies know how to treat the cancer only if it's in the right place)

Later my stepmom was on the phone to someone and pointed out the whole "maybe it's some other cancer in her brain" theory. Then, she says something along the lines of "that would be easier to treat. Hey we know how to treat stomach cancer... we'll just do this and my sister will be healed". Well, I didn't want to crush her hopes, but if it does end up being something other than brain cancer in her brain, it's not going to be easy to treat.

THERE'S HOPE!!

2005-07-25T19:45:00.000-07:00

I've been reading the NYTimes Sunday Wedding Announcements since the beginning of the summer. It's fun to see who's getting married and hear a little bit about them. Every announcement I read is about two people from Ivy League Universities who were geniuses and come from rich families. I figured I'd never be the type to get their announcement in the NYTimes. Not anymore! Finally, I found someone who graduated from USD and was getting married! Hurray! There's hope for me! Many congratulations to the newlyweds and hurray for USD.

Chores

2005-07-20T20:02:00.000-07:00

There's one chore I don't ever want to do when I get old.

Pick up the newspaper at the end of the driveway.

I don't like doing it. Maybe it's because I'm usually still half asleep when I go out there... and then you always run into someone else who's either also getting their paper or going to work or walking their dog. It's embarassing. It's the one time of the day when people are able to see you with your guard down.

I'm making my husband do it. Cookie, take note.

Stress

2005-07-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

I was getting stress headaches a few weeks ago... they were also probably due to dehydration. But this week, I've got something entirely different. I've got a weird twitch in my right eyelid. I don't think other people can see it, but it's like my eyelid is all funky and fluttery.... nevermind. It just sucks.

Dirt

2005-07-18T21:31:00.000-07:00

There's something nice about having dirt under your fingers sometimes. Whether it's planting, painting, or any other messy project. It's good to have your hands into something.

I scrubbed tires tonight and I've got filthy hands..... and I like it :)

What Would They Say?

2005-07-17T16:54:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was at a job interview and the woman asked me, "If I asked my friends to describe you, what would they say?"

I had to sit a few minutes because I realized that all the friends who know me well enough to answer that question aren't around.

A Conversation Between Me and An English Major Priest

2005-07-17T10:27:00.000-07:00

I was online the other day and my old priest from the East Coast imed me to see how things were going. He was a professor of Shakespeare before he became a priest, so when I told him I was going to be an english major, this is what happened.

Priest: Any idea of your major field ofstudy yet?
Lexi: i may actually end up being an english major
Priest: No way!! Great news....but little prospect of much money! Seriously what a great way to understand the world we live in very deeply and compassionately. You must be getting some very good courses and instructors.
Lexi: well i figure a good liberal arts education in anything can be profitable if I work hard enough. I've had some great english professors the last few semesters. I also have decided that rather than pursuing something i'm already good at, I should work on improving my skills. I want to be a better writer, so I figure an english degree can definetly help.
Priest: Well, that's true enough--you should get lots of practice at oral and written expression, clarity and grace, precision and efficiency and organizational clarity. All great virtues for a business career, if that should be where you're heading. Also great for the diplomatic service.... ministry... psychology... medicine... possibilities are pretty endless. You also have the personality and the common sense and get up and go to make a career in anything you want to, in my estimation!
Lexi: well thanks for the encouragement. I guess my first hurdle is sticking with the major and graduating on time!
Priest: Yep, and taking the challenging courses...Chaucer, Milton, Shakespeare, Irish literature of the 20th century renaissance... all the good substantial stuff! Try not to do just the fluffy fun stuff.
Lexi: no, absolutely, i'm not doing the fluffy stuff. Sometimes i wish i could but the english degree has a lot of requirements that forces me to do the hard stuff too.
Priest: Good, and the really good part of course is that the greats are really fascinating and teach you so much and express their wisdom so trenchantly. I am thrilled with your plans!
Lexi: yeah, i'm looking forward to it too

It was akward to have this conversation, I mean, I just chose my major so it's not like I have a lot to say about it. Even stranger was that his tone completely changed as soon as I said English Major. He got all smart sounding and weird. "lots of practice at oral and written expression, clarity and grace, precision and efficiency and organizational clarity." That could only come from the mouth of a Shakespearean professor.

Happy Harry Potter Day!

2005-07-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

As we speak, I'm waiting for the mailman to bring my copy. The new book is out today and the whole world is reading!

One Of My 9 Year Old Campers....

2005-07-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

.... had an iPod Shuffle this week at camp.

1. I'm jealous
b. What music do 9 year olds listen to?
3. Who would buy their 9 year old a Shuffle?

no fairs.

Who Ever Said My Life Was Boring?

2005-07-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah, my posts haven't been filled with much excitement lately, but the last few days have really been a whirlwind.

1. Family emergency, my aunt diagnosed with a brain tumor
2. Mary Poppins Duty, taking care of aunt's children
3. Cinderella, cleaning the aunt's house for all the family that came into town
4. Secretary and Messenger, maintaining phone communication
5. Hostess, for cousin's birthday party and sleepover

Then, once things seemed settled down around here, my sister just cracked her tooth in half. The dentist said we should probably just take the tooth out or we can try doing a root canal and all that good tooth saving stuff. It sounds like my family opted for the saving stuff rather than just taking it out. Baby sister's going to have to be knocked out for the procedure and it won't happen until sometime next week. Poor baby.

Now, I'm off to continue and entertain cousins while their parents are dealing with the brain tumor thing and deal with my own family. Oh wait, when was I supposed to have time for myself?

I'm taking an advil right now because I have a feeling this will be another stressful day.

Dalai Lama Turns 70

2005-07-06T22:55:00.000-07:00

He's one of the happiest people I've seen, just look at his picture below. His smile is warm and welcoming. He's got a great sense of humor and a genuine love for the world. Well, he must be great, he is, afterall, the Dalai Lama. I had the opportuinty to sit in the same room with him my freshman year at school. Incredible man with an incredible story. If you don't know anything about him, look him up.

2005-07-06T22:52:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday!!

2005-07-05T14:00:00.000-07:00

Here's the photo of the gecko on my ankle that I got during the hippy fair on Summer Solstice. It's fading so I figured I should document it before it's gone.

An Open Letter To My Friends

2005-07-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

I want to apologize. I've been a lousy friend for the last year and I regret it. It has taken me a while to get to this point, but I'm hoping that this can be a first step towards restoring our friendship. For a while I thought that maybe just pretending it didn't happen would make it go away. I figured if we still chatted online or by email then maybe the situation would pass. But it's apparent that problems are not solved by ignoring them.

I passed the blame for a while. While I can apologize for all my poor behavior, part of me still feels like it has not been entirely my fault. There were times when no one was in touch with me. When I recognized someone else's fault, they were easier to blame. I thought that being angry at everyone else would be easier than being angry at myself. I didn't want to admit that it was mostly my fault for losing touch. I realized that passing the blame wasn't going to fix my problem. I've learned that the silent treatment doesn't work from across the country. The silent treatment only pushes me farther away.

I will openly admit that part of my distance has been the product of Cookie and my relationship. I hope that you can understand how that feels. New relationships can be consuming. It's easy to be in love and lose sight of everything else in the world. If you allow it, a relationship can take over your life. Unfortunately, I fell victim and allowed that to happen. I don't entirely regret it. A long distance relationship is hard and it required a lot of attention to make sure that we were on solid footing. Most people have the opportunity to really know someone before tackling the long distance obstacle. Cookie and I had to do both at the same time. By now, the honeymoon has ended. Cookie has graduated and moved onto adulthood. I seem to have decided on a direction for the next few years of my life. He and I have settled into a routine. This routine has, in some respects, allowed me the time to look outside of our relationship and realize what I had been ignoring for so long.

It may sound like a poor excuse for my behavior, but it is also worth noting how increasingly difficult it becomes to maintain friendships over such a long distance. We all have gone to college and made new friends. We have become involved in other things. We are busy people. The three hour time difference does not help things. It means that my day is beginning when yours is already underway. It means that your day ends while I am still in the midst of my own. It means that our free times don't always overlap. It means that arrangements must be made in order to maintain our connection.

I miss knowing what is going on with your life. I miss hearing the latest gossip. I miss being able to turn to you when I need to vent or need advice. I'm writing this and am surrounded by our pictures and the fun times we have shared. There’s something special about having girlfriends around. I hadn't realized how important you were until I found myself without you.

I know that this apology is delayed and I understand that it may have come too late for you. This is something I should have said months ago. I needed someone to make sure I stayed in touch. I've learned that the only person who can do that is me. So this is my attempt to begin a dialogue to clear the air between us. If there is more I am guilty of, I'd appreciate knowing so that I can fix it. You are my closest friend and I'd like to have you back.

Death...

2005-06-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

... is a terrible thing.

My cat died this afternoon. We got a phone call from people around the corner that their dog attacked our cat and "it is really hurt in our yard". He died before we got there. It was really sad. I carried his body to the car and we drove to the pet hospital. He was my baby. We got this cat when I was in 3rd grade. He was mine. It hurts that he had to die so brutally. It wasn't like he died of old age (which could have happened relatively soon anyways) or gotten lost. He was attacked and suffered. That makes me really sad.

This cat died just after our other cat disappeared around Easter this spring. She must have wandered off and chosen to die alone. That breaks my heart even a little more that we coudln't have been with her. At least with Bosco, today, I got to carry him away and smooth his coat and hold him.

The saddest part of this whole thing is realizing that I lost my two childhood pets within three months of eachother. They were also the last living memories of my connection with Connecticut and home. They were my Connecticut pets that survived the relocation to California. They were the things I looked forward to coming home to in Santa Barbara. They were my one certain plan for after college. I wanted to take them home with me. Now, they're both gone. I feel like all my connections with Connecticut have been severed at this point. And that's a feeling I don't like to have.

May God Grant Them Rest And May Light Perpetual Shine Upon Them.

When was...

2005-06-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

the last time you did something for the first time in your life?

Growing My Green Thumb

2005-06-26T18:41:00.000-07:00

We were out at the gardening place today to buy some fertilizer for our fruit trees and a few other things. I decided I wanted to grow something from seed. So I picked up three different plants to see if I have any hope of being a gardener someday.

For my cat, I got Cat Grass

For me and my sister, I got Catchfly

And for everyond, I got a Butterfly Flower

My cousins had good luck growing a milkweed and hatching monarch butterflies. Maybe we can attract them over here once we get our butterfly plant growing.

I'm not a very good planter, but I hope that the excitement of seedlings will keep me a little interested. I'll post pictures as soon as there is something to look at.

Ridiculous

2005-06-25T19:20:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered why men thought women were so strange. Now I have the answers. I just got a catalogue in the mail from Bliss Spas, a New York spa that has it's own line of products and a mail order catalogue of all their stuff. Not only do they sell their own products, but the various products they endorse or supply at the spa. Who knows exactly. All I know is that there is a huge catalogue with stuff from various sources.

So I once bought some cuticle stuff from Bliss after I got a free hand massage from a counter at a New York department store. That's how I managed to get on their mailing list. It's fine with me, their stuff is good. I don't have the money or the genuine interest in investing in skin products. I am a soap and water kind of girl.

The magazine people have been begging to get me to buy stuff from them. A few months ago they told me that the catalogue they sent was going to be the last one because thye basically couldn't afford to send me a catalogue if I wasn't going to be buying anything from them. Well, they lied. They've kept up with the mailings, although probably not as frequently as they did before they realized I'm not giving them any money. This week's mailing has a big letter on the front begging for me to give them money and offering all these incentives. I skipped reading that. I just looked at the stuff inside.

Holy Cow!

Like I said before, some of their stuff is good. The stuff they add in from other places is ridiculous. This company is marketing just about anything they can find as a product that will change your life or do drastic things overnight for you.

Take this for example. It's a whole page of sneakers that are meant to eliminate cellulite... what?! Over priced sneakers that are supposed to eliminate cellulite. Coudln't any sneaker do that? Just get out on the street and start jogging. You won't need the special sneakers and you won't have the cellulite. Check out the prices too.. ridiculous.

It gets weirder. This is advertized as an electric toothbrush for your face. For 200 bucks. I think that's a little strange.

The one thing I really wanted to point out they don't actually sell online. It's $1200 dollar eye cream. Excuse me? 1200 dollars? for 16 ounces. Does everyone know how much 16 ounces is? That's bigger than a regular shampoo bottle. Firstly, who needs 16 ounces of eye cream? Secondly, who would spend 1200 dollars on that much? Oh wait, you can get a smaller version of the same brand's lotion for $265. 3.4 ounces for $265.

Who has the money to spend on this stuff? It's probably no different than the 3 dollar stuff you can try from the pharmacy. Stupid old ladies with their wrinkle complexes.

(watch, in about 20 years I'll be blogging about how I'm buying everything on the market to stop my aging.)

Summer Solstice

2005-06-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

Santa Barbara has this bizzaro parade every year for Summer Solstice. It is a chance for every hippie, wierdo, or family to come out of their holes and participate in one big event. It starts with a looooong parade with an artsy-fartsy weirdo feel. People dress up in whatever they have in their closets to march in this parade. Everyone wears revealing clothes. Fat people show their stomachs. Mothers go braless. College students act like hippies. Real hippies get to act like themselves. Gays can hold hands in public. The whole thing is a trip. Most people get totally sloshed at the park afterwards where there is music, food, dancing, and more hippy little vendors selling stuff.

I skipped the parade. I don't need to see everyone act like lunatics. But I did show up to the park afterwards. Only for my henna tattoo (which I'll post a picture of when I get a hold of the digital camera) and some kettle corn popcorn. It certainly feels like the official beginning of summer after today.

But boy, there are a lot of weirdos in Santa Barbara

Travel Attire

2005-06-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

When I usually fly, I don't wear anything fancy. My logic is that the planes are icky and gross and I"m going to be sitting next to strangers for 5 hours so I might as well wear junky clothes that I can wash when I get to wherever I'm going. When Cookie flies, he likes to dress up a bit. Not suit and tie, but something a little more polished. He's with the classic camp that recognizes that air travel used to be available to only the elite. Therefore if you were going to invest in a plane ticket, you were going to travel in style.

Yesterday in the NYTimes there was an article about Flight Suits . It turns out, more people are siding with me than with Cookie. People don't want to be held up at the security points because of their shoes with laces or their belt buckles. The sensitive metal detectors and strict TSA regulations mean that people are wearing less and less to the airports. Not less like naked, less like plainer. People are leaving the metal belts in their suitcases and going without. People are trading buisness shoes to flip flops. Sure, it does create a more casual atmosphere at airports. Sure, there are still people like Cookie who will dress up a bit and endure any additional hang ups that creates. But in the long run, people just don't want to wait. So if you're gonna wear pajamas to the airport, you're okay.

Job Update

2005-06-24T10:13:00.000-07:00

Zoo Hell is same as usual. I haven't been in for 4 days and popped in yesterday afternoon to drop some stuff off that I have been working on at home. They nagged me for a schedule because if I'm not going to be around, "we may need to look into some additional intern help". Fine with me! That poor intern is going to come in every day and do all the shitty work I was doing before while I continue to leave permanent marks on this program with the work I've been doing recently. Oh yeah, except all this development I'm doing should have been done by a paid employee and not a stupid intern. Oh wait, the zoo is too cheap to pay their interns and if they can get free development help, they'll exploit whoever they need to. I gave the zoo a few dates that I would be around. I told them that there may be the possibility that I add a few additional days. I'm thinking now that maybe I won't. Screw them. Oh, and I casually mentioned to them that I was working for the camp at the Natural History Museum and they all flipped out because I had a "conflict of interests and was going to tell the museum all the zoo's camp secrets" Honestly, they don't have any secrets to share. If anything, the zoo should be taking cues from the museum. The zoo is trying to do too much. Plus, the zoo shouldn't rag on me, I told them from the beginning I was looking for paid work. THey could have hired me weeks ago to be a counselor instead of an intern. So :-p

Natural History Museum work is fantastic. Much more laid back than what I'm used to but it makes it a little more fun. I don't have to stress about schedules, because if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen. I think the laid back approach also really helps the kids stay mellow. Children are over programmed all the time. Summers are for them to have fun and not feel like their in school. The museum lets them run around outside and play in streams. Nature camp is cool... and they pay.

I may be working at Ann Taylor a few days a week. I need to get back to them today about it. I'm delaying my phone call because I'm waiting to hear from these people at Teen Court who may hire me for more money to do work for them.

So I was right at the beginning of hte summer when I predicted I may be working 3 or 4 jobs this summer. Wow.

"Women's Conference"

2005-06-24T10:01:00.000-07:00

So a while back we got this weird junk mail advertising an "American Women's Conference" that was to be held at a hotel in town. I figured it'd be interesting from the vague blurb they published on the invitation. Plus they were so desperate for attendance that they were going to give me two free tickets. So I rsvp'd and figured what the heck. I'll get there and check it out and ditch if it's bad. I had built it up in my mind to be somewhat of a leadership conference. Who knows where that idea came from. So the conference was today and I get there early this morning only to find that the "American Women's Conference" is being called "The Women's Financial Conference". Um....... okaaaaaaay. So I picked up a schedule to figure out what this is all about. The whole program is presenters talking about the same stuff they ramble about on tv. One woman was going to help explain "why women have so much trouble with money". That's easy, women spend it on clothes for themselves or manicures and haircuts. Or they're pumping out all their money into their children. Most women don't save much. So I needed to come to a conference to learn that? Other presenters were going to delve into topics like protecting your income and how to work the stock market or real estate. I wouldn't consider this any fantastic information. The big "surprise guest" was going to be an appearance of Donny Osmond. Right... because Donny Osmond knows everything about "women's finances" Whatever. I figure Donny hasn't had a whole lot of work recently and probably needs to be seen somewhere. Needless to say, I walked out of the conference before it even started. I gave away my parking spot to a couple of women who were going to attend. On my way out I started thinking about all these presentations and the people who were going to them. Obviously, most of the women probably aren't making a whole lot of money anyways, because they have just devoted their whole Friday to "learning the secrets". I'm pretty sure a lawyer or a doctor who is financially well off is going to attend one of these presentations. Most of these women are either retired or probably stay-at-home moms or maybe even single ladies. I was probably the youngest there, I probably saw some girls in their late 20s early 30s. Point is, the things these presenters are going to be telling these women is not going to be advice that they can take home with them. I'd guess their advice would be to go out and get a good job and create a huge savings so that you can play with your cash in markets like the stock market or real estate. I mean, a stay at home mom is not making money to go invest in a house. They're going to tell people to save, save, save! and how realistic is that? Most people with financial problems aren't going to be moved by a sleezy presenter at a free conference. They're gonna go spend the money they saved today on a cute pair of shoes tomorrow. Or they are going to try and get their husbands, partners, whoevers to follow the instructions they learned today. The men probably all have better plans than what the "Women's Financial Conference" is going to present today. Now I get the whole day to do something better with my life.

Happy Father's Day!

2005-06-19T19:49:00.000-07:00

Happy Father's Day to all persons who have been, will be, or are fathers. Fatherhood is not an easy job and you deserve to be appreciated.

The NYTimes published a few columns today about Father's Day, or at least I assume that was their reasoning since all three pieces were about fathers but were not published under a linking heading. Anyways, there was one that I felt was not only moving but marvelously well written: The Emptiest Cradle I have included the full text below so as not to lose it in the NYTimes archives.

HOW was I to know what fatherly love was? I almost never became a father myself. The books I'd read, the poems, the songs, the movies, they all advised me likewise: stay who you are, stay a son. Go west, young man. Never settle down.

Becoming a father was the most gripping experience of my life, and not only because I had to see my daughter die. It was her birth that stunned me most. A little animal fighting its way out - I've always liked animals more than people, and this was so overwhelming. We became animals, the three of us, we roared like beasts, at least mother and child did; I felt a strange kind of sorrow, because I had suddenly found out what I'd been missing all my life.

A little creature like that trembling in the palm of your hand, her little eyes blinking at the light. So alive, so unbelievably alive. Like nothing had ever been before.

For a long time I had regarded the family as a prison in which people were condemned to each other, brooding upon murder and mayhem and dreaming of freedom, freedom like a distance into which one could vanish.

I am the only son of a family of complainers and deserters; my father shouted, my mother wept, I climbed the highest trees I could find, I hid in their crowns.

Literature, the dominion of sons, was where I headed. I withdrew into the wilderness of language, where I found my way in surroundings that consisted of leaves, leaves and more leaves, and learned to be at home there. I firmly believed that somewhere out there, in the world of the living, someone was missing me. There outside the wilderness, I assumed, there had to be someone who thought about me all the time.

Someone who thinks about you all the time, precisely the kind of wishful thinking that marks the child.

It was liberating, I must say, to suddenly be allowed to cast off the royal robe of self-importance.

Isa, dearest, you swam like a little fish in your mother, you sprawled on your changing mat like the emperor of China. You demoted your parents to servants in a life over which they had formerly ruled. Just look at your father making a fool of himself, good thing no one can see him trying to close the snaps on your rompers with his fumbling fingers, while you, discerning as you are, scream at the top of your lungs.

If my little girl had not died, I would probably never have written about her, about the snaps on her rompers. Then I had to, there was nothing else I could do. You come home from the hospital and the cradle is still standing there, as though nothing has happened. The things have no idea, they lie innocently in wait.

I started writing, there was nothing else to it; I scrawled out a map for a memory that had lost its way. The landscape as illegible map: just when you think you've finally deciphered it, what it tells you is that you're lost. Because one thing writing is not, is finding solutions. It's writing a letter without having the address. The poem is always on its way, says Paul Celan. It's a scout who never arrives.

A book lives longer than a girl, Nabokov said in his "Lectures on Literature." My little girl lived for only 47 days. And even so, Nabokov is a dirty liar.

A book lives thanks to the girl who is in it. It is her life that makes the book alive, it is her absence in which the words seek their way.

Meanwhile, someone else is lying in her crib, her playpen, her bed, someone else wears her clothes, gums at her teddy bear, flips through her picture book. His name is Frederik and he is someone else, he is so different, so new to us, every day we can hardly believe he really exists. We're so happy with him, and that, too, we can hardly believe.

Because happiness reminds us so much of her, that's why you miss it most precisely when it's around.

P. F. Thomése is the author of "Shadowchild: A Meditation on Love and Loss." This article was translated by Sam Garrett from the Dutch.

I'm Still Alive

2005-06-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

Apologies all around for my absence. Don't worry, I'm still alive and there weren't any disasters or hospital visits that kept me away. I was just busy and had little to post about.

Updates:

1.) I ran...er, "participated" in that 5K I had mentioned a while back. I didn't run the whole thing but I went with my stepmoster and sister. We had a good time. We're going to go back this week. For the record, we finished in 35 minutes. That's a three mile run so it works out to be about 11 minutes a mile. Kinda lousy but not bad for a first time.

2.) I GOT A JOB! I'm looking at about 1200 bucks for the summer if I don't pick up another job along the way. Not shabby for starting with nothing.

3.) Tomorrow Cookie finally gets a phone set up in his new place. Since last we all spoke, he has been doing lots of work at his new "big kid" job and moved out of his parent's house. He's been having a blast in his "bachelor house" but his cell service stinks. Lucky me, he's having the cable and phones hooked up tomorrow so I can finally get a hold of him... yay!

That's all for now, someone just said the word cake and I don't wanna be left out.

I have to mention it...

2005-06-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

....because it's happened a number of times now. The banner ad at the top of my Yahoo email account has been an advertisment for the 48 hour emergency contraception pill for a while now. "CONDOM BROKE?" are the first words I see in the morning. It's a little freaky. I"m pretty sure that these ads are the smart ads that change according to the information in the emails, so why am I the one getting the condom ad? I usually don't like to think about broken condoms first thing in the morning and I'd prefer to keep it that way.

Job from Zoo Hell

2005-06-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

This last week I've been working at the Zoo. It sucks. Big time. It's an unpaid internship and I wouldn't be so disappointed if I was at least being utilized. I'm not actually doing anything of significance. If I attempted to document here how ridiculous this job is, I would go on for days and days. So I'll spare you all the details and just bitch to Cookie instead. hehe

Needless to say, I've made a few conclusions that I want to remember:

1.) Never shy away from the term "fast paced"
2.) Make sure I ask more questions during interviews

Fresh Start

2005-06-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

Spring used to be my season. It was the time of year when I would get my stuff together and do something with my life. Like most things in spring, I seemed to be renewed. I emerged from a long winter intent on changing the problems that had festered during the previous 6 months. My life's details could be filled in using the major spring changes as markers. There was the year I cut all my hair off that divided my life into "short hair" versus "long hair". Back then, it was "you didn't know me when I had longer hair" and now it's "you never knew me with short hair, did you?". There was the spring when a handful of relationships were condensed into a 4 month span. I can only remember one guy from the next because of the sequence of events: "I dumped Guy A for Guy B who dumped me later which is why I dated Guy C while I waited for Guy B to come back to his senses". There was the spring when I decided to branch out and try something new. Two springs were springs when I decided to tap into my inner drama queen and participate in play productions. With every spring, there always came my version of spring cleaning. It usually included the emptying out of my bad friendships and relationships. Boyfriends got ditched. Baggage got left behind. Even a few of my close girlfriends were eighty-sixed in springtimes of my past. I can't say that this spring has been of any significance. If I was to set a milestone for this spring, I would say that it was getting my RA position. Taking that job allowed my circles to branch out a bit further and began the process of some spring cleaning.
There has been something in the air these last few days that I can't put my finger on. I can't quite identify what it is that is making me feel funky. I can't even describe the feelings that I've been having. But tonight I seem to have made peace with that pestering feeling. I've decided that this isn't just my spring.... this is my year.
I feel like some of my own spark has been put on the backburner for a while. I have been sending my energy outwards to do things for others. I don't regret any of it. I like being able to do for others. But I've abandoned many of my own aspirations along the way. I have spent too much time wondering if I was doing the right thing. I've spent too much time coming up with excuses for myself. I've spent too much time ignoring me. I've spent too much time shying away from things I should be taking by storm. And so, it begins. I'm not going to sit around and wonder about stuff. I'm going to try and stop wondering what everyone else thinks. I'm not going to pull apart more of my ideas.
My dad had said a while ago that he thought I was closing doors for myself. I just think I haven't gotten around to opening them. I'm going to go ahead and open them now. Honestly, there's no more reason for me not to.

No Such Luck

2005-06-03T20:15:00.000-07:00

Oops, I didn't go for my run on Wednesday like I planned to. I got intimidated at the last minute and didn't go. I'm definetly going to do it this week though. I did exercise this week, though! Thursday morning. So at least I worked a little.

My Plans

2005-05-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

Now that Cookie's real life is underway, I have to focus on what I'm going to do with the next 10 weeks of my life. I've decided on a few things that are going to start tomorrow.

1.) My Unpaid Internship. I figure what the heck, I've got no other options and it'll be good for my resume. They're super thankful that I decided to take the position. I held them in suspense for the weekend. hehe

B.) My New Fitness Adventure. So I took kickboxing last semester at school. I was feeling pretty good about it at the end of the semester. Thinking I could tackle something more.... of course, classes stopped 3 weeks ago and I haven't put on my sneakers since. Well, tomorrow's going to change all that. There's this great little program called Nite Moves that is a 5K run/walk/jog/walk-your-dog/whatever-you-can-manage every Wednesday night in SB. They start around 6:30 and end with free dinner and entertainment. There are a couple of ways to be involved, you can a.pay for a t-shirt, race number, and free food at the end or 2. just tag along on the course and go home. I haven't decided which I'm going to do. It'd be nice to have a race number every week as proof of my participation, but I don't have the money for the free food and such. I'm going to go down tomorrow and see what I can do. What does that mean for all of you? You get to see me chronicle my times and progress. That's if I'm not too embarassed by it all.

In addition to these "beginnings" I'm also still trying to track down something to do with my life that will pay me. I'm following a few leads that aren't going to amount to anything particularly exciting. You'll hear about that when the time comes.

Day One

2005-05-31T22:37:00.000-07:00

Cookie's first day of work was a success. He actually got up and to the train in time. He got a free lunch and made it home safely. He even managed to have a few breaths left to talk to me on the phone. It wasn't much though, he crashed in bed pretty early. So begins our new life...

I say "our" because it's not just Cookie's life that is changing. The changes are most affecting him, but realistically, there is going to be a much different relationship between he and I that develops over the next few months.

We've always had some of the same hurdles.. mainly the time difference, but we managed to make it work. It worked because Cookie never went to bed. He was always up doing papers or watching movies. I generally got to bed at a reasonable hour, but I was benefiting only because I was on the early side of the time difference. Cookie's turned the tables on me, he's the one going to bed early these days because he's got to get up early and actually go to work. He could sleep all day in college, but not anymore.

So the same hurdle that we overcame for the last year has mutated into the hurdle we face today. Those late night hours were the times when we actually got to catch up with one another. Now that that time is cut out, we've got less time to spend lounging around starry eyed at eachother. Add to that the unfortunate reality that I need to be working my butt off for the next two months to put money in the bank and it becomes increasingly difficult to find time for Cookie and me.

Never fear. The amazing thing about Cookie is that he hasn't given up on me yet. He keeps telling me things like "forever" and "always". So I have a feeling we'll make it.

My New Favorite Blog

2005-05-31T15:49:00.000-07:00

PostSecret

I'm not sure if it needs an explanation. In case it does... look here

2005-05-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

I Madonnari

2005-05-30T18:31:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the I Madoonari festival here in Santa Barbara. It's similar to the Italian street painting festivals. People come out and put chalk drawings on the pavement for everyone to enjoy.

Here's the blurb on the event via the Santa Barbara News Press:

Like the wandering artists of 16th-century Italy whose work inspired the I Madonnari Italian street painting festival, Santa Barbara City College student Andrew Leonard has high hopes for his street painting.

"It'll open more doors, and maybe get my art out there," said the 20-year-old, who will reproduce part of Salvador Dali's famed take on the Madonna and Child at the 19th annual festival, which runs through Monday at the Santa Barbara Mission.

As the fledgling artist scrounges for odd jobs locally -- a mural here, a backyard wall there -- Mr. Leonard joins a tradition that once saw artists traveling to religious festivals to earn a living from their depictions of the Virgin Mary, images that washed away with the first rains of the season.

However, today's I Madonnari differs from its Renaissance forebears. Artists accepted to fill one of 150 pavement canvases are not limited to a religious theme. They also labor for an audience that has grown less familiar with human artifice.

"People don't get to see things being made anymore," said festival founder and organizer Kathy Koury, who heads the non-profit Children's Creative Project for the County Education Office. With the advent of computers, video games and hand-held everything, the fundraising event reminds kids that they can still make things with their own hands, she said.

Ms. Koury and artists say the onlookers flocking to the festival play a critical role in the finished product, making the colorful streetscapes as much about interaction as they are about observation.

"(The crowds) are an integral part of the piece," said featured artist Tracy Lee Stum, a veteran of seven I Madonnaris, who describes herself as a street painting "maniac" and travels to over a dozen festivals around the world each year.

Her 12-by-18-foot original composition -- depicting renowned art patron Lorenzo di Medici with Botticelli and Venus, goddess of love, in an idyllic Renaissance garden -- is meant to jump out at viewers when seen from the mission steps.

The three-dimensional conversation also invites viewers to ponder the past and future of street painting.

"I think (the characters) would be saying, 'This art form is fascinating, and it's spreading,' " she said, referring to the several dozen festivals now held in the United States. (Santa Barbara's I Madonnari was the first.)

But then Ms. Stum had a second thought.

"It's kind of up to the viewer to decide what they're talking about."

The first day of the festival brought several thousand people out for an overcast morning that transitioned to sun by late afternoon.

But the artists weren't complaining about the clouds. They welcomed the cool air as they sprawled across the pavement, covered in chalk and toiling in knee pads as onlookers hovered around.

"It's a lot more fun than I thought it would be," said Justin Dullum, who helped colleagues at his graphic design firm reproduce an image of the Arcady estate in Montecito. "It's kind of like an organized graffiti. It's church-sponsored graffiti."

The guitarist in a local band called the Sympathetics said he had only one qualm with spending the day on all fours -- his haggard hands. He had a concert later that night.

"My knees hurt," said his friend August O'Mahoney, who helped draw the image.

A few feet away, an Ontario woman gazed at a sketch of two nymphs with floral garlands.

"It reminds me of my two daughters who are home working while we're up here on vacation," giggled Julie Mathiesen, visiting town with her husband, John.

She expressed concern that organizers would take a hose to the pavement and wash away the colorful creations, but artist Cecelia Linayao assured her the works would be left on the ground for several weeks.

Ms. Linayao, a graphic artist from San Diego, said street painting festivals bring much needed relaxation to her chaotic life.

"This is my Zen," she said, crouched on a green carpet square and wearing blue plastic kneepads. "I love being able to go at my own pace."

Ms. Linayao agreed that art education serves a valuable purpose for kids.

"Being creative teaches us how to think, how to imagine," she said, lamenting education cuts that hurt art programs in the nation's schools. "People underestimate the arts. They think of them as a luxury rather than a necessity."

This year organizers set aside 600 two-by-two-foot squares for kids. The $10 price tag includes a box of chalk.

Between the spectacular scenery of the Mission and the curbside gallery, festival-goers enjoyed round-the-clock live music and Italian specialties -- from sausages to iced cappuccinos -- produced by local restaurants.

Memorable images include a landscape scene that recognizes the city of Toba, Japan, where organizers recently traveled to launch a similar festival last year. Another features an original collage dedicated to the late Pope John Paul II, who is pictured with two angels above his head.

"There's some ascension in it," said Melanie Stimmell of Los Angeles.

The festival is open 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Sunday and Monday. For more information, visit the event's website .

And some photos of the setting up.

2005-05-30T18:22:00.000-07:00

Here's the one photo my stepmother took during the whole event. That's when I realized she has poor taste in art. She blew by a lot of the great stuff. I was certainly rushed. So I went back and took the photos below. You tell me which you like better, my choices or hers.

2005-05-30T18:13:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorites (of course it is, or I woudln't have posted it) but just look how real it seems..... these people have amazing talent.

2005-05-30T18:12:00.000-07:00

I have a friend who bikes and I coudln't help but take a picture of this action shot. It looks like it could come out of a magazine.

2005-05-30T18:10:00.000-07:00

This isn't finished yet, but I'm not sure I'll be going back, so I snapped a picture of it. The whole thing is stunning but look especially at the eye.

2005-05-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

Look at the color on this butterfly.... can you imagine doing this with chalk?!

2005-05-30T18:08:00.000-07:00

How cool is this? I saw this in the beginning stages a few days ago when they just started coloring it in. It looks fantastic now that it's finished. Sorry for the weird palm tree shadow, sort of adds to the jungle look, I guess.

2005-05-30T18:06:00.001-07:00

I went through a big Egypt phase as a kid. My eye is still attracted to that sort of thing.

2005-05-30T18:06:00.000-07:00

Not as amazing as the others, but still pretty impressive. I like lighthouses. Maybe that's why I took a picture of it.

Flag Etiquette

2005-05-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

Being Memorial Day and since the photos I wanted to post today didn't come out because of the lighting, I figure the least I can do is advise you all on Basic Flag Etiquette I did this research this afternoon when my dad decided to hang the flag we've had sitting in our garage for a few years. We didn't want to piss off the veteran who lives next door. Further, I don't want to be disrespectful. Make sure your flags are hanging appropriately.

Cookie's Dream Job

2005-05-30T13:17:00.000-07:00

Okay so being George Bush's bitch may not be exactly what Cookie wants to do, but it's an interesting article about a young guy who's practically Bush's right hand man.

Photo Blogging!

2005-05-29T23:14:00.000-07:00

Hurray! My next big step in blogging has come. And I'm doing something even Cookie hasn't tackled. I just set myself up for photo blogging. You can see my sample photo below. Cool, huh? I set it up because I have some plans for pictures to put up in the next few days.... you'll have to wait and see.

2005-05-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm testing to see if this works!

Weird

2005-05-28T21:08:00.000-07:00

... I can't believe I'm sitting in my bed and it's only 9. My whole family is asleep. I can't blame them, they're operating on a 1 year old's schedule. They're sleeping when she is so that they're not pulling their hair out in the afternoon. It was only last week that I was sitting up at 12am before going to bed. Now I'm actually thinking about going to bed at 9. I blame Cookie.

I also jumped in bed because I had something I wanted to blog about. However, I got sidetracked with reading some other blogs and now I've completely forgotten what it was I had to say.

Oh well, I'm sure it will come back to me.

My Last Few Days

2005-05-28T10:43:00.000-07:00

I woke up last night and had just had a dream that Cookie and I were on the same coast. It was one of those dreams I had to spend a few minutes processing before I realized it was just a dream and not the truth. I'm not so sad about being gone now. As I always mention when I come back from a trip to see him, I'm only sad during the travel. I'm sad because I'm not in contact with him. As soon as I get home and get to call and check in, as soon as we're both back online, it's much easier. So I'm home now and Dad is happy about that.

My grandma made me cry the day I came back from seeing Cookie. Of course, I was already still emotional from leaving Cookie. I called to ask her to dinner (she couldn't go, she was DD for a group of her old lady friends) and she asked me about my summer plans. I had told her that my one exciting job had fallen through and so I needed to scrounge around when I got home to find something. She told me she just wanted me to be happy. She's a smart lady. She's smart because she's figured out that I'm not happy here. She knows that I'd rather be on the East Coast. So I cried about that. I've always been one to put on a good face but Grandma figured me out. When I got home the other day, my dad said that Grandma told him that I didn't like it here. I never thought she'd tell him, but she's right. I'd rather have her tell him than me. She's smart. I'd like to go home home.

Cookie is gearing up for his real world job that he starts on Tuesday. I can't be more excited for him. He's spending this weekend cleaning up his new place with his dad. He's been getting up a little earlier every day so he's ready for work. Unfortunately that means he's going to bed earlier every day. That means I'm sitting around without Cookie until it's my bedtime. In the fall, I was the one who dictated our bedtime. I used to go to bed around 10 every night which was 1 Cookie's time. So whenever I went to bed, he was following behind me. This spring was a wash. He was pulling all nighters pretty frequently. I was thrown into an RA position that had me up to either 12 or 2am every few days. So we never had a bedtime. Now, it's Cookie who's deciding bedtimes. He's the one who has to get up and make the big bucks so he's the one who's deciding when it's bedtime. Of course, it's still my job to make sure to remind him "it's getting late". But I'm finding myself going to bed pretty soon after he's going to bed, which means I'm going to bed damn early. I just don't have a reason to stay up otherwise. Once I start working next week sometime, I'm sure that I'll be following him to bed and we'll work out some schedule.

It's something I worry about. Cookie and I aren't having late nights up together anymore because he's got a big kid job. We're about to start one of life's big transitions together. I'm excited about that but I worry about where the time for us will be. He's got a full plate with work every day. He's going to be moving into his new place and settling down. He's going to work on the house or on catching up on sleep on the weekends. Not to mention he still has to do his own blogging. He's got a lot of stuff to work out. He has to figure out where the time is for all of the stuff he was doing in college. It's pretty hard to forget about a girlfriend. I just hope that in his busy schedule, there's a little time for me too.

But my worrying is nothing too serious. Like I mentioned, I'm going to be starting work next week. I've got an unpaid internship I'm gonna take on. I'm also in the process of hunting down a few other things so that I can make some cash. I might take something simple on the weekends and something for a few hours during the week. Yes sir, that would be three jobs. I don't think I've ever juggled three jobs at once. We'll see what I can do. If I keep myself busy, I won't complain that I never hear from Cookie. Our only one big hang up is the time difference. If he's up, I'll probably be sleeping. If he's on his way home, I'll still be at work. We'll make it work. I worry about silly things. I worry about when he's going to make himself dinner. I worry about when he's going to blog for all of you. I worry about when he's going to have a vacation. I worry about when I'm going to see him next. It's my job to worry.

A Season's Joys: Mopeds and Nostalgia

2005-05-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

I read this nice piece about summertime in yesterday's NYTimes. I thought the opening paragraphs were really well written. It put me in the summer mood, even though there's no sunshine here today.

Sporty Contacts

2005-05-28T10:35:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I didn't remember where I found this article. I was blog browsing last night before bed and came across someone who blogged on this article. It appears as though there are now sunglass contacts that sports players are using. It sounds a little scary but makes sense to allow athletes their full field of view that wearing sunglasses can't provide. There's also the intimidation factor of having a red glow to your eyeballs.

New England

2005-05-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

"With New England's small size and its narrow interests, its signature gothic narratives--"Ethan Frome," say-- would seem to have a limited popular audience. But what those stories of forbidding landscapes and unforgiving temperaments lack in universality they make up for in moral authority. New England, it seems, is still no laughing matter. Consider, for example, the claim on critical attention exerteed by bleak movies like "Dolores Claiborne" (1995), "The Ice Storm" (1997), "Affliction" (1997), "The Cider House Rules" (1999), "In the Bedroom" (2001), and "Mystic River" (2003).

Stephen King's Main chronicles have underscored the point. If adventure happens in the West, uplift happens in the Midwest, and politics happen in the South, then tragedy--point blank, dead serious, can't-laugh-it-off tragedy-- is what happens in New England." - Virginia Heffernan via NYTimes

I couldn't help but copy the beginning of a TV review here. I'm not sure that New England is all about tragedy, but as far as movies and tv are concerned, they may be right.

Back to Earth

2005-05-25T19:22:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been on an emotional high for a while that's hard to let go of? Like after a great day you just bask in the successes of the day? Vacation highs are kind of like that. You can't stop thinking about all the fun you had. At the same time, there's the crash and burn feeling of being back. You step off the plane and are flung back into the real world. No more sandy beaches of the vacation. It's back to work. It's back to the grind. I hate that feeling.

The trip was great but far too short. Cookie graduated and I went home. It had been almost 5 months since we saw eachother last and only 4 days to make up all that lost time. It's just not enough. But when is it ever enough? I can't imagine ever spending a length of time with him and not being sad when it was over. Not even 50 years. I need to have him around. I cry every time I leave.

I came back and had a fairly busy day to keep my thoughts from wandering. But then came the afternoon lull and I couldn't keep myself from getting lonely. The bottom line is that I want to be home. I don't feel right here. I feel right with Cookie. I feel right on the East Coast. That's where I belong. So it's a hard feeling to be ripped away from that and tossed back. It's like being pulled away from your favorite toy for the time out chair. You just sit there wishing you were back with your toy. Cookie is like my favorite toy, I guess. My boy toy. hehehe

I've lost track of my thoughts so I'll write more later...

Yahoo!!

2005-05-19T09:11:00.000-07:00

So this week has been finals week for me. Hence the lack of posting (not like I was very consistent otherwise). This post isn't to reassure you that posting will resume shortly, in fact, it is just the opposite. I probably won't be posting again until June. okay.... probably the very end of May.

Wanna know why?

Cuz I'm going to see Cookie!!!!!

That's right, the last time I saw his face was five months ago. Five months. That's a long time. A real long time. I tease him that I think I've forgotten what he looks like. I'm sure I haven't forgotten, but still... five months is like forever! The best part about this whole thing is that it was right around this time that we rekindled our..... relationship? friendship?..... I'm not sure what the right word is. So in some ways this trip is a little anniversary for the two of us. Primarily, it is Cookie's graduation weekend. So I'm going to be with him for the next four days. Then I fly back to finish my RA responsibilities then I go home for the summer. So when all that is said and done, it'll be memorial day weekend. So that's when you can expect to hear from me again. Be sure to check back then and I'll hopefully post a story or two from the trip.

Orgasmic

2005-05-18T09:45:00.000-07:00

There was an article in the NYTimes yesterday about female orgasms. The article investigates if there is a purpose for female orgasms. Male orgasms are used for reproduction, but some women can get pregnant and still not have an orgasm. End of the day, I'm just lucky I get to have them.

Lexi's Life

2005-05-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

Lexi is in the middle of finals right now, so I imagine there will be very little posting from her over the next few days. Then, Friday she's on her way out to see me graduate—so she probably won't get back to regular blogging until some time next week.

Just thought I should take the time to inform her readers. :-)

I'm Stuck Inside on a Beautiful Day

2005-05-14T14:34:00.000-07:00

...writing papers. Ew.

There's a wedding going on downstairs. There is always a wedding going on downstairs on the weekend. It's a beautiful day for a wedding. Generally I can't hear the weddings taking place. For some reason today I can. They're doing the homily/sermon right now. I think the volume is turned up especially loud today... or maybe some extra windows are open. They have a flute player. One of the songs they played earlier was "Beauty and the Beast". I am a huge Disney fan, just as much as the next 5 year old but I am NOT going to play Disney music at my wedding. And how insulting to play a song where the man is called a beast? Not really the right sentiment for your wedding day.

[UPDATE] So the sermon suddenly switched into Spanish. Sounds like this is a bilingual wedding and probably a mixed ethnicity wedding. Except the priest just called the couple up to the altar to say their vows. Their names? Amanda and Matt. Don't sound Spanish to me!

Lexi has a headache

2005-05-12T18:07:00.000-07:00

So everybody leave her nice thoughts, ok?

(She's too modest to complain herself—unlike some people...)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

2005-05-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

STEPHANIE GOT ENGAGED!!!! Stephanie is one of the RAs who lives down the hall from me. We've sort of bonded over the long distance/serious relationships we had going. Her man is in school in Maryland while she's holding down the fort here in California. They've been dating forever. They hadn't seen eachother for two months before today. He came out and proposed! The ring was sweet and simple. She was beaming. He was sooo calm. He got the girl! So we all screamed and jumped around. Then they went out to celebrate.

YAY! I LOVE ENGAGEMENTS!

Since..

2005-05-11T17:46:00.000-07:00

.....Cookie is having a blogging slump, I'll step up and post some stuff so you have something to entertain yourself with. Of course, anything I write about is way less insightful that what Cookie normally comes up with but hey, what can you do?

More SAT News

2005-05-11T17:45:00.000-07:00

A while back Cookie and I talked a little about the whole SAT revamping. Cookie was a little disappointed that they bumped the score up to 2400 from just 1600. The worst part about this revised test is that there's an essay section. Something all of us high school graduates are very pleased to have missed. I found an interesting articlelast week about the essay stuff. It points out some good stuff. Check it out.

[UPDATE: DAMN! I didn't check my link before I put it up, it looks like the NYTimes has already pulled this article and thrown it in the archives. They used to leave things up longer.... grr. Well, the interesting stuff in the article was that students were basically getting graded on length. The longer essays were generally getting better grades. While the SAT people claim otherwise, this guy did a little survey and found his hypothesis to be true. He also noticed that the test doesn't grade you on the accuracy of your facts. They know that a student can't rattle off meaningful information during a stressful test so they just discount all the informational errors in the essay. I don't think that's right. You shouldn't write your SAT essay about something that you don't know well enough to give information on. The article also made reference to the fact that already English teachers are teaching format writing in high school. Kids are now just going to be trained in high school to pass the SATs and when they get to college their going to have a lot of catching up to do. I thought it was interesting. Sorry NYTimes pulled the link from us. I would have liked to share.]

Lame

2005-05-11T17:37:00.000-07:00

I was watching one of those MTV shows "I Want a Famous Face". It was one about a guy wanting to look like Ricky Martin. Firstly, I don't understand why you would want to get plastic surgery to look like someone else, especially someone famous. I'm not a big fan of plastic surgery unless something horrible happens to you. If you are a burn victim, then obviously you'll need some reconstructive work. But if it's adding boob size or making yourself look famous... that's a waste of money. I never know where these people get the money for plastic surgery anyways. The people on the MTV show are all high school/college students. I know I don't have the money for anything like that! On top of that, most of their parents are against the kids getting the surgery done anyways. So I'm guessing mom's not paying for it either. That's one show I'd like to know more about the behind-the-scene stuff for. What goes into funding these people's frivolous spending? Oh, did I mention that the boy getting the surgery on this particular episode was doing it for the "self confidence" to ask some girl out? WHAT!? No no no no no, it's never a good idea to get plastic surgery for someone else. His crush even told him that. Sucks for him anyways, after the surgery, he went to ask her out and she had gotten a boyfriend in the time it took for him to recover. HAHA.. that sucks. But more reason why he shoudln't have gone through with the surgery in the first place. He wasted too much time and lost the girl. The funniest thing about the whole episode was that during the final scenes, instead of playing Ricky Martin music, they played Enrique Iglesias. Now, go ahead and whine that they're practically the same but as someone who likes one of those Latin singers better than the other, I can tell you that they are two different people. Plus, it's a show for MTV! Shoudln't they know their music well enough to match up the right singers for their shows? lame.

Maroon 5 Recap

2005-05-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

Maroon 5 was on campus on Monday night. Tickets went on sale months ago so I picked one up knowing that it would be my birthday present to myself. I was hoping that all my friends and I would all go together. That didn't happen. For whatever reason they were all over the place and so I just grabbed a seat with the one friend I found and we had a good time. We made fun of a lot of people and critiqued music. Then we sang along with the songs we liked. Typical concert. Simon Dawes was the first opening band. Awful. Sorry guys. Then The Thrills played a few songs. They were great. One of the RAs bought a cd, she might let me "steal" the songs. Their website rocks too, check it out.

Maroon 5 was alright. I like the CD versions better, you can hear all the sublties of the music that way. My favorite parts were drowned out a lot of the time. The best song of the night was their encore. They came out, played "She Will Be Loved" and then "Highway to Hell". The crowd went wild over the AC/DC cover. Definetly the best song of the night.

Country Couple

2005-05-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

Kenny Chesny and Rene Zellwegger are married! I'm not sure how excited I am about that. I liked Kenny better as a cute single guy. But congrats anyways. The one thing I like about this relationship is that they both haven't been married yet. That makes me happy. I hope they have a happy life together.

UPDATE [Brian]: I commented on this here, albeit from a slightly different perspective.

Welcome...

2005-05-10T00:14:00.000-07:00

...to Jack Burden and Single Again ! They've been added to the blogroll on the left hand side. They seem to have caught on with me, so I present them to you for your enjoyment.

Maroon 5

2005-05-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

We had a concert on campus tonight. Maroon 5 came. I've got pleanty of observations to share with you when I have time to write them down. Stay Tuned!

Woah woah woah...

2005-05-07T16:25:00.000-07:00

It always freaks me out a little when stuff like this happens. So I'm on Wikipedia looking up the story of the
Ancient Mariner. I'm writing a poetry paper and the poem I'm analyzing makes reference to the albatross. I don't know anything about the Ancient Mariner story, so I'll just look it up. So that's helpful cuz now I have an idea of what my poem is about. Then I decide to read the rest of the entry.

Woah, the poem was maybe inspired by James Cook's second voyage.... um, that's a distant relative of Cookie's.

Woah, William Wordsworth is mentioned, another poet I've studied this semester.

WOAH, I just had one of those moments when you feel like your college education is worth all that money.

More Cool Birthday Stuff

2005-05-07T16:18:00.000-07:00

Here's Wikipedia's run down of what happened on my birthday,May 4 . Lots of firsts and lots of people starting prison sentences. hmmm

So This Is What...

2005-05-06T13:48:00.000-07:00

... people my age are blogging about. I've been doing some blog browsing in an attempt to find other blogs like mine. I think I've figured out why I don't have anyone reading very often... I'm boring. Well, if you're passing through you may want to check out these blogs as well:

Cate makes some good observations about English classes in high school and those stupid journals.

Jack has a good post up with advice about boobs. You never thought there would be boob posts here, did you?

Cindy Hung writes a good post on density. Maybe I'll go back and check out what comes next.

This site reminded me the most of the type of posting I do here. Let me know if you agree.

I came across this blog about A woman finding her way.... She even writes sex posts, if you're interested.

More Things I Like About Boys

2005-05-06T12:15:00.000-07:00

I outlined earlier one reason I like boys so much . Today, I'd like to offer another reason. I like boys who know how to take a girl by the arm. You know what I'm talking about, when they bend their arm at the elbow and the girl can lock arms with him. I think it's cute to walk arm in arm like that. It's respectable and very polite. Of course, there are times when it's a bit formal. It's okay to just hold hands if you're walking down the street. It's nice to lock arms when the girl is in a pretty dress and you're entering a party. I'm guilty of locking arms with boys even if it's not the right occasion. I like it.

But I don't like it when boys don't know how to do it. I was watching a couple today and the girl reached around this guys arm in hopes that he would "assume the position" and bend his arm. Well this guy didn't get it. Sure, he held his arm out a little ways so that her arm could fit between his arm and his torso but he didn't bend his elbow. So after a few steps this girl was basically holding onto his upper arm while his arm hung at his side. Eww.

So that's why I like boys today. Good boys know how to offer their arm to a young lady. And if the lady initiates, a good boy will catch on.

Good Advice

2005-05-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

Do not seek to have everything that happens happen as you wish, but wish for everything to happen as it actually does happen and your life will be serene. ~Epictetus

Laura Bush is Funny!

2005-05-05T18:27:00.000-07:00

I had been hearing about Laura Bush's stand up comedy act at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner but unfortunately hadn't had a chance to see it. Lucky for me I came across a copy of the video at The Political Teen. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Laura's a pistol! I knew I liked her, and now that statement is even more true. You have to see it.

Here's the Video

So This Is What It's Like...

2005-05-05T11:53:00.000-07:00

... to be old. I'm sore all over! Okay, so maybe you don't just wake up the day after your birthday old, sore, and tired because you suddenly are a year older. I'm really blaming the kickboxing and pilates classes I was at last night. I didn't feel at the time like I was doing anything strenuous but boy do I feel it today. I must have buns of steel, cuz they sure are sore! My upper back is sore too. Where's Cookie when I need a good back rub? He's working on a paper, so I can't bother him... I'll save up all my demands for once I get to see him... only 16 days!

Is it really over?

2005-05-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

I can't believe my birthday is over already.... maybe it's the crappy weather that's bumming me out. Where did my birthday go?!

My Birthday Buddy

2005-05-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

I've never met another person who shares my birthday. In fact, I hope I never meet someone else who has my birthday even though I know it's statistically impossible that I'm the only one. My mommy always said I looked like Audrey Hepburn, maybe it's cuz we have the same birthday.

On my Birthday

2005-05-04T19:05:00.000-07:00

Born Today
Horace Mann 1796
Francis Cardinal Spellman 1889
Luther Adler 1903

Died Today
Marshall Tito 1980
Diana Dors 1984
Paul Butterfield 1987

Events
1971 - Avalanche buries Canadian village of Saint Jean Vianney, 31 dead, $1 million damage.

1970 - Kent State massacre, National Guard opens fire killing four students protesting Vietnam war.

1945 - Surrender of German armies in Holland Denmark and NW Germany - WWII.

Birthday!

2005-05-04T12:34:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the craziest things will happen on your birthday. Have you ever noticed it? Today has been no exception for me. I've got a lot to say and the day isn't over yet so I'm sure there will be more. I'm just putting down one idea now and will write the rest later.

The most random people came out of the woodwork today. I have like half a dozen people add me to their facebook friends. No big deal, except then they all sent me birthday messages. I even got back in touch with a friend I haven't spoken to since the beginning of high school. WOW

okay, I have class... more later

Lexi's Birthday Rules

2005-05-03T21:16:00.000-07:00

1.) Birthdays are celebrated all month long.

2.) As a transplanted East Coaster, Birthdays officially begin at 12am east coast time

3.) Because May is my Birthday Month, gifts and other such celebratory events can be scheduled and enjoyed through the whole 31 days of the month.

4.) Cookie is allowed (and must, when requested) sing "Happy Birthday" to me at any time

5.) It's my birthday, I can cry if I want to.

6.) I'm the boss all month long, but particularly on the official date of birth.

Now that we have the ground rules set, we can officially say:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

TV Time

2005-05-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

I'm watching Access Hollywood as I kill time before a meeting in 20 minutes. They're covering more American Idol scandals and tonight's is about a website encouraging voters to vote for the worst singer rather than the best. I think this is a great idea. Their argument is accurate, American Idol is getting too predictable. But could you imagine what the show would be like if everyone voted for the worst singer? I'd love to see the faces of the judges when they realized that they had to give a contract to some crappy singer. Oh wait, didn't that happen with the guy who sang "She Bangs"?

Then, there's a segment about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise... are you kidding me?! It's another Demi and Ashton couple. I don't understand why famous people get away with stupid stuff like this. Then, I got to see some of the footage. Katie Holmes is taller than Tom! Like way noticeably taller! Embarassing!!! Usually cameras angles can be altered so that you get the best picture but the stuff on tv was accurate for once. Katie is always hunched over trying to look smaller, but it is only making it worse. It's one thing to date a way younger woman, it's another when she's taller than you. They were making out too... eww

This whole portion of the show leads to the commercial for match.com . Match.com is giving away a guide called "How to Find the Right Person in 90 Days: A Step by Step Guide". They claim that the guide is based off of tons of sucessful relationships. I don't see how you can find the perfect person for you on the internet in only 90 days. I'm thinking I need to sign up and get one of these guides and see how ridiculous it is.

Okay, that's all the weird blogging I have for now... meeting time!

Observations

2005-05-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

I was blog browsing again this afternoon before I had class and noticed that a majority of the blogs I had come across were all people writing about school and finals. I wonder if there is a breakdown for age groups who blog. It seemed to me there were a lot of college and middle aged people blogging and no so many of everybody else. Hmm..

I went to my poetry teacher's office hours this afternoon and he told me I had "good taste in poetry". Should I be flattered?

Cookie had an interview today at 1:30. The interview place was running late and so we were text messaging while he was killing time. Our text messages stopped somewhere around 1:40, so I'm guessing he was called in for his interview around then. He told me he was going to call when he got out and let me know how things went. It is now 5pm and still no word. I'm pretty sure most interviews don't take over 3 hours.

You would think...

2005-05-02T23:00:00.000-07:00

... that if Cookie went to bed almost 4 hours ago that I would have been able to concentrate and get some work done. Um.... no. I'm on duty as I type and will be on duty for another hour before I can go to bed. I told myself that I was going to sit here and work on a poetry paper that is due next week. I got a few things jotted down but on the whole I was totally unsucessful. grr....

I blame Cookie. hehe, He's just too fun to think about.
I also blame this office. It's not conducive to me working at all.

So I figured if I can't work on that paper, that I might as well do something fun, so I'd blog for a few minutes. But I don't really have anything to report. I've done good blogging today, so I think you are all pretty much caught up.

I've still got Cookie's life floating around in my head. I thought only you were supposed to worry about your own life, but I guess not, I'm worrying about Cookie's too.

I think I'm going to go do some web shopping. I'm thinking about making little study goodiebags for my residents. yeah... good idea...

Blog Browsing

2005-05-02T22:19:00.000-07:00

I decided to start hitting the next button on the Blogger toolbar to see what happened. This was the first blog that came up. Maybe it's a good thing that i'm not running off to get married. Ew.

But finally I must have clicked so many times that Lexi's Life came up! hehe

Are you a Republican?

2005-05-02T21:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I could have told you that I wasn't 100% but considering my circumstances, I think 69% is acceptable.

I am:
69%
Republican.

"I bet you'd like Democrats okay if they wouldn't keep handing out your paycheck to urban welfare cheats, right? (And you probably don't want me to be saying anything about 'urban' being some kind of code word, I bet.)"

Are You A Republican?

Wedding Advice

2005-05-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

Today's Miss Manners mentions that tears at weddings aren't always for the reason you would suspect. I thought I'd pass it along. I've included the whole text to avoid you needing to link away from wonderful Lexi's Life.

Weddings still make people cry, Miss Manners has discovered. But not, it seems, for the traditional reasons.

The spectacle of an innocent young couple inspired by love to leave the homes and protection of their respective parents and create an irrevocable bond used to set off the sensitive souls among their guests. When people of experience emerge from their own home to create a negotiable bond subject to cancellation, it may still be touching, but perhaps not to a tear-jerking extent.

However, among the people associated with modern weddings, there are still plenty on the verge of tears:

The bride, because she has spent a year planning this wedding, and has discovered that the flowers for the table are a deeper pink than she ordered and don't match the sashes on the bridesmaids' dresses.

The bridegroom, because he's had a lonely year and is not sure the solution to it is that executive-level events planner who has been ordering him around.

The mother of the bride, because she has been told that she didn't put enough money into the wedding to entitle her to have any opinions about how it should be conducted.

The father of the bride, because he has been told that he couldn't bring his second wife, who is home crying.

The mother of the bridegroom, because she has been forced to wear a dress in a color she hates.

The father of the bridegroom, because he paid for his daughter's wedding in its entirety and has now been told that tradition demands that at his son's wedding, he pay for a dinner party for the entire guest list the night before and for all the liquor being consumed during several days of festivities.

The bridesmaids, because their time, money and patience has been freely consumed for events, clothes and demands to which they never consented.

The groomsmen, because they've had too much beer all week. (The bridesmaids have had just as much, but they hold it better. Or get to the restroom faster.)

The guests, because they realize they have blown their vacation time, as well as great sums of money for transportation, hotels and several rounds of presents, in a place and with a crowd they haven't chosen, only to stand around doing nothing while the wedding pictures are being taken.

The bride's colleagues, because they had to chip in to give her a shower, and they weren't even invited to the wedding.

So who, exactly, is enjoying this ordeal?

Miss Manners still believes in happy weddings, and has been to more than a few. But she is beginning to understand why observers of the wedding scene, other than those who are there for love or money, assert that there is an inverse relationship between the elaborateness of the wedding festivities and the success of the marriage. A number of sociologists, divorce lawyers and members of the clergy have been quoted remarking that the more lavish, complicated and prolonged the arrangements, the more likely the marriage is to end in divorce.

Here is what makes her teary: The spectacle of a couple, perhaps not so young and not so innocent but nevertheless in love, who feel obliged to devote untold amounts of time and money to producing an elaborate festival that is beyond their experience and capacity and leaves everyone cranky.

© United Feature Syndicate

Silly Meal

2005-05-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

I was checking out the specials online for one of the eating places on campus. There was something titled "Jacobs Hot Cowboy Pasta Salad" and I couldn't help but giggle. Is it "hot" as in good looking cowboys? or "hot" as in spicy? And what do cowboys have to do with pasta salads anyway?

Crazy Start

2005-05-02T12:34:00.000-07:00

I just spent a nice weekend with my family in town. We went shopping, ate good food and I didn't do any homework. I wasn't too concerned. Most of my papers are due next week so I can work on them this weekend. I'm also on duty a few nights this week to make sure I can catch up. So I went to bed fairly early last night and slept like a log. It was great. I felt refreshed and ready to start the week. Everything was going good. I jumped in the shower, got dressed and as I was brushing my teeth went over my schedule to make sure I had everything I needed.

oops....

I didn't do my Ethics homework and wasn't going to have time before class to get it done. Oh well, it's the first assignment I've missed and as long as I turn it in this afternoon or tomorrow, I'll at least get half credit.

Then I walked into the RA office really quick to see if there was anything in my mailbox.

oops....

I forgot to fill out my weekly update. So I grabbed that really fast, scribbled in some answers and slipped it into my boss's mailbox. phew, no one will notice I flaked.

So I got my backpack together, and walked out the door.

oops....

I had parked my car in front of my building this weekend as I was going back and forth with the family. Saturday night I came home and my headache was so bad that I didn't bother moving my car all the way back to the parking lot I need to park in during the week. So I walked out of my room and saw my car on the road just asking for a ticket. Did I mention that I was already late to class? So I jumped in the car and hoped that I could find a parking spot in my lot. Nope. So I ended up driving all the way down to a lower parking structure. I figured I was going to miss most of class because I'd have to wait for a tram to take me up to campus. Luckily, I followed a tram down and he waited for me to park. Thank goodness!

So suddenly a morning that could have been a royal mess ended up being okay. But that doesn't mean I get to slack off this afternoon. I've still got to do a little bit of catching up.

Mom Stuff

2005-05-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

As Mother's Day approaches (It's this Sunday, don't forget!) I felt like I should post this survey forwarded to me by Cookie. It's tracking a variety of opinions by mothers.

Among the major findings:

While hardly discounting the many challenges they face, American moms are satisfied with their lives, feel appreciated at home, are content with the choices they make and believe they are doing a good job as mothers.
Contrary to some recent publications, relatively few moms believe they have to live up to some idealized version of motherhood.
That said, moms need and want help. Among the most striking data to emerge is the correlation between dad's participation and mom's happiness. Indeed, moms who have more help from their partners at home and in raising their children are more content, more fulfilled spiritually and even more satisfied sexually.
While moms generally feel appreciated at home, they do not believe the nation as a whole gives them the support they need; moms prove fairly critical of the direction of the country, not only in terms of the economy, but particularly in terms of moral values.
Moms weigh in on the values debate in a fashion that should expand our definition of "moral values voters." Moms' greatest fears for their children spring from perceived problems in our culture, from drugs to premarital sex to Internet crimes. At the same time, moms prove both traditional and pragmatic with a majority supporting sex education and prayer in school.

HAPPY MAY!

2005-05-01T21:02:00.000-07:00

It's May Day!

that means....

It's my Birthday Month!!!

My birthday is in four days. Feel free to leave celebratory comments all week, specifically Wednesday, and for that matter, all month.

I'll try to make some comments about birthdays and life, etc. this week.

The Future

2005-05-01T20:32:00.000-07:00

Cookie has been doing the job search for most of the semester. He's got a few interviews this week that we're all hoping are successful. But he came to me this afternoon with a whole new possibility. He has always considered going to graduate school after a few years in the working world but his newest idea is a bit different than what most college graduates would consider. It got me thinking....

It's amazing how two people's lives fit together. When you really think about it, we're lucky that we fall in love with another person who's life plans correspond with our own. Obviously there are a few different scenarios. Some people marry and one moves to support the other person's career goals. In other cases, they don't marry until they've each pursued some path. Somehow, in some situations, two people's careers end up matching so well that they can both do their jobs together. But when you really consider it, it seems like a slim chance that you really find the perfect person for you. The person who will either give you the stability you need or the person who will be flexible while you pursue your life. Think about it, you could fall in love with someone and then realize that your goals in life aren't compatible. But that generally doesn't happen. There are pleanty of married people to prove that this kind of stuff magically works out... well not so magically I'd guess. I know where I fit into this whole puzzle. I'm the one who will support another's career goals. I am so undecided with my life that I have no problem following someone else and finding my way where ever I end up.

If you haven't caught on already, the relationship between Cookie and I is pretty serious. Just about every time he presents a new idea for his life, I start to think about how mine will fit into that picture. I told Cookie tonight that I'm a 100% supporter of any challenge he decides to face. In fact, I'm enthusiastic about anything he's doing because as soon as he firms up his plans, I get a chance to play around a little more with mine.

I wonder what would happen....

2005-04-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

... if you told the absolute truth in a job interview. I was in an interview this afternoon and the woman asked me "what are your future career goals?" She understood that as a sophomore I probably don't have any idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life but she wanted to know what my plans were after college. I said "Well of course I want to graduate, get married, have a family.... but that's not what you're asking" I continued to talk about how I'm not sure of my career goals but that I know what kind of skills I want to learn until I find a job I fall in love with. It had me wondering what would really have happened if I told her the truth. "I'm graduating, moving in with my boyfriend and then I'll go from there." "I"m just going to get a job to put my husband through grad school and then worry about my real goals." "I'm not going to work.. I'm going to raise my kids." "I'm just doing this because I have to work in California this summer." I mean, you usually don't mention your significant other in a job interview but I wonder what would happen if you said "I'm looking for a good paying job because I need to put money aside for an engagement ring/wedding" or "I'm just finding something to occupy my time until I get a better job" Do you think they would appreciate your honesty or would they blow you off? I'm thinking they'd blow you off.

Adoption

2005-04-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

I just saw a commercial advertising the need for foster parents. The catch phrase was something along the lines of "you don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent. In adopting a child from foster care, just being there is enough". Is that really the message you want to be sending to potential adoption parents? That they can suck at parenting and still be okay to adopt? I don't think that "being there" is enough for children who have had rough lives and are finally looking for stability. Those kids need a lot of love and support. I just don't think the way they're seeking parents for these children is the best. You don't want just anyone to adopt children, you do want people who are good parents.

Rowdy

2005-04-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

Crazy Times for Boston and Tampa Bay.

As If My Night Could Get Any Worse...

2005-04-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

... it did. I was feeling crappy because of the whole church thing. I figured this weekend would be nice. My dad is coming down for the weekend, I called and asked him to bring a few things down for me so I could take them to the east coast when I go at the end of May. That's where the shit hit the fan. I'm so angry at my dad. He's never going to let me grow up and be an adult. He just doesn't get it. I held my composure on the phone. Called Cookie who is MIA and then had a nice cry because I realized how much I needed him. I realized that the only person who would understand any of this is Cookie, because he's been through a number of experiences with me like this. I realized that I've alienated myself from my friends on the east coast who have no idea what's going on with me. I realized that I don't have a good friend to confide in when Cookie isn't around. I realized that even my friends at school aren't the type I could tell all this to. That's really upsetting.

Ghetto

2005-04-28T20:22:00.000-07:00

Lileks writes a daily blog called The Bleat. Today's made me giggle. You can skip the first paragraph, it gets good after that.

Church

2005-04-28T18:32:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week, Cookie spoke very candidly about his religon. It was a story even I hadn't heard before. I was suprised to see him writing about it on his blog considering he doesn't speak personally too often. He also happened to mention my name in the piece, which if nothing else, created a boom in webhits that day (thanks babe). I knew Cookie both before and after his "epiphany" in Florida although I feel like I remember more of him post-Florida than I remember of before that Palm Sunday.

Reading Cookie's post made me reflect a little on my own religious experience. Unfortunately, I don't think I've experienced that "epiphany" as concretely as Cookie has, or maybe at all. I was born and raised an Episcopalian but I didn't start attending church until the 3rd grade. For whatever reason, my family just never made it to a weekly church service when I was younger. Perhaps it was just too much hassle to get everyone up and out of the house. Maybe my parents were struggling with their own religious identities. Whatever the reason, I remember that we never went to church until I was about 9. My mom started going out and checking out the churches in town and talking with the priests. I suspect that she had a good idea of what she and my dad were looking for and planned on finding the best match. She eventually found one that worked for us for a number of years. It was my first church and a very high Episcopal service. I was an acolyte at that church, a torchbearer to be exact. It was so high church that I had to buy my own pair of white gloves to wear while acolyting. Maybe part of it was to keep grubby fingers off the polished brass, but either way, it seemed a little more extravagant compared to my more recent church's protocol. So I was never unfamiliar with the "smells and bells" of the Episcopal church. We ended up leaving that church when the priest left for bigger and better things. That's when we ended up at St. Paul's and I felt like I finally stood on my own religiously.

Like Cookie, I went through the period of "who are these people? how do we know all of this happened?" and that is when my mother said the only thing she could to a 10 year old. "That's what faith is. It's believe even though you weren't there." So I took her word and the Gospel's. It was pretty easy to placate a kid. I struggled a little through Confirmation classes as a teenager but unfortuantly my confirmation teacher really didn't do the Episcopal faith justice. I've never had the time to sit and read through the Bible and struggle through myself and I think that's where I'm falling short these days.

During high school, I was very involved with Cookie and my youth group. It was where Cookie and I met, afterall. I would like to think that I had an idea of what was going on there. I definetly had moments where I got it. Most of them happening at St. John's the Divinein New York. Our youth group took a number of overnight retreats to the cathedral. I feel as though that is where God is for me. Cookie may comment later and tell you more about our trip there this past summer. But towards the end of my senior year, I had begun to feel like I was stalling out on this religious journey I had started. I was hoping that coming out to a Catholic school would maybe help jump start me back to where I was before. I guess I just figured there would be something offered to me at USD that could help. I was wrong. Sure, there are pleanty of Catholics but I didn't find what I was looking for. I found a nice church that has a nice high service on Sundays but something still didn't feel right for me.

Going back to Connecticut this summer was a bit of a disappointment spiritually. I worked at an Episcopal summer camp. Somewhere I had attended and somewhere I thought maybe I could find my roots again. No such luck. Cookie and I managed a trip down to St. John the Divine but I can't rely on one visit to be my spiritual food for a year or two. Even my home parish had begun to fade in my eyes. I always thought that if anything else sucked, I could at least find solace in St. Paul's. Well, that quickly went sour. Cookie and I attended church on a number of occasions last summer and we both agreed that we didn't feel God there anymore. The spiritual feeling of a church was lacking. Cookie and I are both from families who have been involved with the politics of that particular church. I think we almost knew too much about the church and it ruined our experience. Lucky for Cookie, he has found a place by school that serves his purposes.

I guess the reason I've mentioned all this today is because I'm feeling a little lost. I'm not in the same place that I was before and I don't know how to fix it. Part of my problem is that I'm not feeling particularly driven to do anything about my position. I'm not motivated to go to church and pray about it because I don't feel right at church. I'm also mentioning all this today because today I actually did something about all this. I was sitting in the middle of my class today and suddenly felt like I needed to be at church. A bit of a calling, I guess. Or more of just an urge to be there. I knew that this feeling wasn't going to last for long. I haven't been excited about church in years. At the same time, I couldn't just walk out of class to pursue some religious end. So I sat through class and afterwards checked to see if there was an evening service tonight at my church here in San Diego. Just my luck, a 6pm serivice. So I geared up to go, even though this desire to be there had faded by this point. I drove over, parked and went to go inside. This church is in a more urban neighborhood. It's on the corner of a busy street and a commonly used side road so they have iron gates closing in the patio and entrance into the church. Usually the doors are open for Sunday services but they were closed today. I went and pulled on the gate and it was locked. So I walked around the building and only found more locked iron gates and it was 5 minutes to 6. So I thought for some reason there must not be a service, or for whatever reason I can't get in. And there was no one in sight. A few cars in the parking lot, but no people. So I got disappointed and left. There is the San Diego cathedral right down the street so I figured I'd stop by there and see if I could get in for a service or just some quiet time. I parked there, pulled at the first door.... locked. I walked around and found one door open and managed to find my way to a pew. Their Thursday night service was at 5:30 and had completed long before I got there. There was a woman still in a pew praying when I came in and a gentleman in the back. I settled in hoping to spend some time in quiet. The woman got up and left, the man got up an left within the first few minutes I got there. Then there was a lot of noise from behind the altar. The architecture is not right in this cathedral because I could hear everything the priests were talking about. They were just chatting behind the altar and off to the side of the church but I could hear everything. They obviously didn't know I was there but didn't really seem to care anyway. They quieted down for a few minutes and I was able to get out a few prayers but then they started arbitrarily locking doors and closing up. I got so frustrated that I just got up and left. They were too noisy and probably planning on locking me in the church without realizing it. So now I'm back in my room. I have no idea why I needed to be a church tonight but I do know that whatever it was I wasn't in church long enough to find out. It's particularly frustrating because they were both Episcopal churches... places I thought I would be able to have a few moments of silence. On my way back to school I thought that I probably should have saved my gas (about $2.69/gallon on my way home tonight) and just gone to the Catholic church on campus. I've never felt really comfortable sitting in a Catholic church. Something about it makes me feel strange. But tonight, I just may go downstairs and try and find my quiet moment. I don't think I can focus and sit in my room and get the same experience that kneeling on a pew would have. I don't know. I'm really disappointed that my evening didn't work out tonight. It bothers me that I couldn't find what I needed.

I've written enough about this. More than anyone would care to read. I just wish I knew how to fix this.

I'm more normal than youuuuu are!

2005-04-26T23:32:00.000-07:00

You Are 60% Normal

(Really Normal)

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal

You're like most people most of the time

But you've got those quirks that make you endearing

You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

How Normal Are You?

Jealousy Abounds

2005-04-26T22:59:00.000-07:00

For the next few days, Cookie will be participating in initiating the new guys into his singing group. He outlined what was going to happen in the next few days for me. I couldn't help but be jealous. Cookie always says he doesn't have a lot of friends but he is part of a brotherhood that can't be fully appreciated unless you are a member. Having experienced a Greek initiation myself, I can tell you it is nothing like what Cookie is doing. Our initiation was stupid. It had a number of religious undertones because the sorority was founded by a bunch of religious girls. But there's just something about struggling through and finally being initiated. I wasn't anything special during my pledging time. I didn't have to do anything. I just showed up one day and was initiated. And it was stupid. And I dropped out of the sorority. Unfortunately, I dropped almost 700 bucks into their budget as part of the biggest mistake of my life. Everytime I hear about Cookie's singing group, it makes me want to go out and rejoin the Greek system. There is something about tradition and secrecy that I really like. But who am I kidding? What Cookie has with his BD brothers is nothing like I could find in a group of girls from California. They just don't get it.

On a similar note (the secrecy note, in case you don't catch on) it's magic week on TLC. They don't do a very good job at hosting a Magic Week on TV mainly because they only put an hour aside every night for one show. I've always been interested in magic. When I was younger there were a few birthdays that came with lots of magic kits. My dad and I still tune into these tv specials when they are on. My dad even got to go to the Magic Castle in Hollywood which is like the frat house for magicians around the world. He saw an amazing magic show and still talks about it on occasion. Too bad I wasn't 18 when he got to go. They served alcohol so us minors weren't invited. Anyways, we like to watch the magic on tv and try to figure out how they did it. A lot of them we can reason through and figure out at least the trick behind the execution of the magic. Some of the shows go through and pretend to "reveal the secrets" of magic tricks. I think they do a pretty good job of showing lots of tricks without a lot of answers. So I tuned in tonight to watch David Blaine. He has this "Street Magic" series that is being played on TLC. In the first few, he was doing his major stunts like freezing himself in a block of ice for a few days or burying himself alive for three days. Today's show was more about card tricks and surprising people on the street. He even levetates himself. Amazing. For all the magic that I can reason through, his stuff is so raw and so real that I can't get my mind around it. He's got this aura about him that I can't even penetrate. It's amazing... even through the TV. I wish I could figure him out. I wish I could do that kind of magic. Wow.

Hehehe

2005-04-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

Blogthings - You Are 45% Normal: "

You Are 45% Normal

(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...

Other things you do are downright strange

You've got a little of your freak going on

But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

Lexi's Life

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